Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in iamofpan's LiveJournal:

Saturday, May 8th, 2010
8:53 am	Getting screwed for being the 'nice' guy So... First, I should say that I am extraordinarily tired at this point. In FATE, there's a mental stress track to measure damage, and I feel like I'm taking one point to do anything social right now. So, here's the sitch: A while back, in a group I'm on, a person posted that they were trying to get people together for a one-shot. That's it. One sentence. I posted back that yeah, that could be interesting, depending on where and when it was. About a week before the game was to happen, an email comes out to me: Hey, thanks for doing this, it's meeting on x day in the bay area. We only very barely have the numbers, thanks to the two people who said they would do it. I was like...WTF? I never said I WOULD do it. Here's where it becomes 'nice'/'good' guy screwage: I'm not a flake. I am many, many, many things, but I try very hard to do what I say I'm going to do. There have been times when I haven't and, in general, I remember each time very very clearly. I hate being a flake. So, if these people (who respect me and I respect) for whatever reason feel that I'm going to be there, I'll be there. The other thing that's setting me off is everyone I talk to thinks this is somehow MY fault. Like, if I hadn't voiced interest it wouldn't have happened so somehow this is my fault. It's pretty frustrating. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
9:57 am	On the perils of hanging out with older people I need to post here more. I've recently been having a problem feeling respected by my peers. Not that people don't like me, but that people don't respect me. I have so much fucking shit going on in my brain, and so much to say and do, and I don't feel I can. I'm designing games. Good games, in my opinion, including some that I want to market to very specific people, including some that read here, but I don't. I'm convinced that every one I know is going to not accept these games because they come from me. It's a pan thing. I'm Pan. Everyone sees the frolicking guy with the goat curls and the fun. And sometimes people get glimpses of the intensity beneath the surface, but it feels like they forget...like I just move back to being the happy guy. happy is such a shitty word for it. The word I mean is...young. Not immature, not silly, just...young. I don't know where to go from here with this post. There's so much more that's bubbling around down here. I want to be able to sit with the people that like what I like, that are exploring where I'm exploring. I want to be able to have a conversation as equals, not one where I feel like people don't know my credentials... I'm not a fucking kid! That's why I grew this goddamn goatee and let my hair grow! I've spent countless hours doing the things I love, researching, learning, experimenting. I have a body of goddamn knowledge about these areas that is huge, and no one tests the surface, much less sounds the depths. I'm not a fucking amateur, and I don't need to be talked down to goddamn it! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 13th, 2007
12:17 pm	So much to say, and this is the place for it. Major down tick in emotional health over the last few days. VEry depressed. But not ABOUT anything. Blah. Now that I'm out of college, and don't REALLY need the intense focusing, mind-altering concentration periods anymore, I wonder if it's time to seek treatment. But I'm scared, because what if I can't do it anymore? What if I can't relate to my kids without the moments of hyperawareness, what if I can't write my columns in the newsletter without superconcentration and the relaxtion and energy that comes with it? How do I game without that focus? How do I run a great game without losing myself completely to the wave of euphoric mania that lets me multitask without thinking and tell a story that is at once compelling, dramatic, and(often) horrifying. But, god, how do I handle the downticks? And why are they worse now? I think I'm storing up the downtick. I think I'm not giving myself enough/any cave time. To slam my music through my skull and purge the depressed quasimadness from my brain. There's not enough darkness. There's not enough cave. There is no place for me to BE Pan. How do you lose yourself completely when there is no place to do that without others seeing/or getting hurt? How do you flee to the hills, take to the caves, and scream at the top of your lungs when everywhere there are people, well meaning people, who just want to make you better, and it makes you crawl out of your skin trying to make them stop? I can't get treatment, because treatment is flatlining. Treatment takes the color out of the world, the joy out of living. Treatment makes me boring and bored. Treatment makes me distant. The high isn't as high, but the low gets lower. I need more high, to balance out the low. I need the soaring moments of euphoria, where it feels like I could fly and nothing can defy me. I need the moments of what feels like near prescience, seeing my course and going there. I need to not be stuck in this murky water anymore, I need the current, the pull of the future that is half seen to guide me. And I don't have it. Where did I lose it? (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
11:36 pm	Anyway. As most of you know, I'll be graduating, leaving for DC and then back to Berkeley. This is a good thing, in the majority of ways that anything can be good, but its also a time for goodbyes and for sadness. Towards the endish of high school, I realized that all of my friends were older than me, save a select few. I also realized that, more than likely, I wouldn't see most of them again. Or if I did, the likelihood that there would be similarities to build a new friendship on would be crappy at best. So I did things that were really not very intelligent. I pushed some away, and others I clung to. And I clung so hard that most of them got annoyed at me, and things like "hug limits" were imposed, and I wasn't invited as much to group get togethers, and I began to feel like an outcast because of the absolutely stupid things I was doing. The only thing that I truly regret saying in high school, even if I joke about it from time to time, is telling an acquintance that they were dead wrong when they suggested that we would see each other over break. That guilt weighs on my conscience. It should be said here that I still don't deal with loss well. I'm very hesitant to do everything that I'm planning, but only because friendship is such an incredibly, incredibly important part of my life. And yet grief over loved ones is almost impossible. I have never cried at death, a fact that shames me and makes me question my basic humanity. In fact, I rarely cry at all, another fact that makes me question myself. So I don't think I'll grieve over what happens, and the fact that once I've moved away, most of us will grow apart. But I will miss you, and think over little things I said, and feel the pit of guilt and remorse well up. I have, however, grown since then. And I understand that most people don't like clingy people and that I shouldn't preemptively shove people away that I don't think I will hang out with. I thought I was over being clingy, but apparently I'm not. I've already basically lost one friend, who was a new friend and a close one, due, I believe, at least in part to overclingyness. So heres the paranoia. The "oh my god, other people think I'm too clingy. Must not be clingy. Must make sure am not being clingy." So if I ask you about it, bear with me. If I AM too clingy, please tell me flatout. Its much easier to take a politely worded, "You're being too touchy." than it is to take a, "you may only hug me X times a day." or, even worse, no word at all, period. If I shove you away, and it may happen, please, if you can, forgive me. Or at least understand that its nothing personal. I'm trying not to, because I really don't want to lose friends, but it may happen. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
2:02 pm	I don't get it. I can log in here but not in my other one. weird. Right then Thats all See some of you tonight, some of you tomorrow, some of you sunday (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
10:35 pm	the promised post So, as I said in my other journal, I would be posting in this one soon. Mental stability ahs not been going well recently. Lots of problems, lots of emotions lotsof apathy saw the doctor today he says there are multiple problems thats about it I ahve an appointment in two weeks for some drugs and therapy sessions (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
5:43 pm	So, I have PRyanskters tonight...and I should go...but part of me jsut can't force the other to... *thinks some* I think that the next part goes behind an LJ cut...cause I can't say it where everyone no matter what will see it...click if you want to...and if you think I'd want you to know about... EDIT: Well, the lj cut didn't work. so here it is... So, to most of you I probablly seem very secure of myself and my friends and such... I'm not... I live in perpetual fear that I wont measure up. that I'll break my word. that I'll be deemed too dumb, or too uncool, or too fat, or too ugly, to hang around anyone. And that I'll be shunned...that I'll be hated...that I'll be attacked... And I don't know why. All that I know is that sometimes, I panic. I get freaked out, jittery, about leaving my room and going to a social event...so I avoid them...and that gets me in more trouble. So I have the half that thinks that if I don't go to Pryanksters I'll miss out on a good time and the half that thinks that even if I do, everyone will laugh at me behind my back and make fun of me... So yeah...and no amount of logical reasoning can get rid of it (3 Comments |Comment on this)
4:53 pm	Lookin through old stuff that I have written... seems like it tells the story of my life, and not in words. Everything is either too long, or not finished. That's me all over...nothing ever done properly, just kinda started and half-assed to a shitty conclusion, or started with the best intentions and kept going that beat too long. (2 Comments |Comment on this)